Lesson #12: It IS all about the presents...

Publish Post

Christmas #1 for the little man.  Perhaps dad put too many lights on the tree this year.  Regardless, Sam loves it.

Teaching #11: Son to father

Teaching #10: Storks are birds that can both shit and fly, right?

Amazing.  That is really all I have to say, but I will say more so you have some idea what I’m talking about.  New little boy with a  penis = things will get peed on while changing diapers.  Jessie has gone through several outfits, as have I.  Jessie got peed in the face yesterday while changing Sam.  Needless to say, Sam blows through 5-6 outfits per night.  No surprise here.  It’s crazy, but not amazing. 

This morning I was changing Sam’s diaper on the changing table (seen in the pic below) and had a cover over his penis to prevent getting peed on.  Yes, we learned eventually.  Then I looked over and there was pee flying 5-6 ft. from the changing table, over the rocking chair, and hitting the wall.  I quickly readjusted the cloth over his penis.  It kept shooting across the room.  “Holy shit,” I said, and Jessie asked what was going on.  It was at that point that I realized I didn’t need to be covering his penis, but rather his butthole.  Yes, Sam shot poop 5-6 ft. across the room this morning from a lying position on his changing table.  Nailed the cushions on the rocking chair, the wall, the floor, his hairbrush, etc.  I’ve seen a picture of projectile pooping when I was a Chief Resident that we used to secretly insert into each others PowerPoint talks, but never really believed it could truly exist.  Either the stork dropped a load late in its flight plan and we missed it for the last 5 days, or else projectile poop really exists.  You can decide for yourself.  Teaching #10?  Cover both the penis and buttocks when changing diapers.  Here’s the proof (Note: these pictures were taken after the initial cleanup effort.  Thus the cottage cheese like particles have been removed from the golden background of poop stain)…

Lesson #11: A Lesson in Progress…

The stork finally arrived with the polar vortex on 1/4/2011.  He was carrying this little guy with a name tag on stating he was Samuel Quinn, weighing in at 7 lbs 1 oz and 21 inches tall.  Lesson #11 has begun.  I’ll let you know how it turns out.  For now, I’m off to read him a book.

Lesson #10: Don’t Screw with the Stork’s Flight Plan

Apparently, the stork (See Lesson #9 below) diverted his flight plan south of the equator because of the record December snowfall in St. Paul, MN.  The stork pilot has had significant issues triangulating a new route.  As a result I have become bored, which, by the way, is not hard to accomplish.  As a result, I’ve taken to several projects around the house like reupholstering the dining room furniture,

making a pillow with some left over upholstery fabric,

reorganizing the cabinets and junk drawer,

trying out some new recipes and bringing back some old faithfuls (good old bachelor soup), 

changing out the foam padding in the 35 year-old bassinet that my aunt made for me when I was born, and has since seen 15 babies in it, now returns to me for the little guy who is lost somewhere with his stork pilot.  It had that strange nuclear orange color to it, and 15 babies urinating and pooping on it over the years, so I thought it was ready for a change,

reprogramming the alarm system in the house, formatting and editing Jessie’s CV/résumé/job application, adding 100 push-ups and sit-ups into my daily routine, and most important writing 2 blog posts in a week.  Never thought that would happen in 1 million years.

Now I am setting up a color-coded spreadsheet to organize and deploy a search party for the waylaid stork.  My sister, Sarah, and her partner, Jose aka Vito, who are heading back home to NYC today were interested in heading-up the search earlier this weekend prior to their departure.  I wasn’t willing to pay anyone overtime on a holiday weekend though, so it will commence during regular business hours tomorrow (Monday).  Sign up below if you are interested.  

I’m soooooo bored. 

P.S. I’ll save someone a comment (likely from my sister-in-law cassie or becky) by saying ahead of time, “I know I won’t be sooooo bored when I’m not sleeping any more and have a little guy around the house in a few days pooping 16x/day.”  Don’t worry guys, I can’t wait.